***

You can never know when something is going to happen

You just can’t

But when something heartwrenching happens

Your soul just sinks

Cause you know that there is nothing such as a…

“ RESET “

***

Chapter 3 – Heartache

     I didn’t want to ruin the moment, but it was my family we were talking about, I needed to get home. Since we already had each other’s numbers we could still talk via the phone while I was heading home to let out my inner sorrow. I just couldn’t believe it, that my parents, the people who raised me and made me who I am, were dead. I didn’t want Mey to worry about my problems so I said to her that we could talk tomorrow. We said our goodbyes and hung up..

“ Why? Why is it always me this shit happens to!? “ I screamed in agony and pain. Because that was the question, why me? Or more specifically: Why only me?

“ Somebody, please answer me! Please! “ I screamed. I couldn’t stop these feelings, they felt natural. I just wanted to reset my life… but there is no such thing as a RESET button.

     Eventually, I screamed myself of to sleep onto the sofa in the living room, I just couldn’t handle it. Was this what my life was coming down to? Tragedy after tragedy? Heartbreak after heartbreak? I just wanted it to end, but how?

     Whilst I slept I had a dream. A dream about a ghost alone in the rain, crying, alone. From nowhere a second ghost appears with an umbrella in hand. The ghosts see each other, not knowing the other. They feel weird yet they feel a pulling force towards each other and makes company after a while. After they meet each other, the first ghost fades away into nothingness, I could hear a phrase afterwards, a slow echoing voice whispering to me: You’re nothing but a flightless bird.

I woke up to the sounds of banging on the door, I told the person to wait so that I could put on my clothes. When I opened up, it was Mey with tears in her eyes. I thought to myself that I’m not worth her, then I tried to shake it out of me, but it doesn’t work. It’s disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. How could I ever let myself think these things? But it’s unmistakable. The thought continued to linger through my veins. An ache in my muscles stemming from the unreleased tension experienced by my entire body. She was drawing me closer.

     I wondered why she was here, I hadn’t invited her as far as I knew, and though she was my new girlfriend, I just wanted to be alone because of what had happened the day earlier.

“ Are you okay? “ she asked as soon as I opened the door. She didn’t even give me a chance to reply before she started asking a bunch of questions like: Are you sure? Can I help?

“ Yes, I’m fine, I promise! “ I said in the middle of one of her questions. She didn’t get mad at me or anything, she just smiled at me.

“ I’m glad to hear that. “ Mey said with a happy and smooth voice, I couldn’t be more happy to be together with a girl that I’d known for a while. I said she could come in and we talked a bit about what happened yesterday and what we both could learn from this traumatic experience.

     It was Saturday and she decided to sleep over at my place, Mey didn’t want anything to happen to me, especially when in this mindset. The day flew by, probably since we had binge watched the new season of Rick and Morty, practically laughing our asses off. We also went for a walk in the snow when it was 6 o’clock or so. When we finally went to sleep we were cuddling in the sofa, really close to hugging each other, but not quite.

     When I woke up I had to go to boxing class early in the morning so I left a note for Mey,  I was at the boxing hall, training for the championships of fire. Boxing was and still is the only way for me to get the anger and pain my soul is holding onto and scream them out in weights of punches on the bag. Wow, I really do sound like a poet.

    When I came home I could smell home baked bread from the entrance. Mey had made bread with a hint of butterscotch and ginger.

“ You’re finally home, I was about to call the police to go look for you! “ Mey said with her so called serious face and that face always made me think.

“ Are you serious?! “ I asked back, man I’m stupid, ain’t I.

“ Of course not, dummy! I’m just joking with you! “ she said with the urge to laugh.

“ Jokes are always at least half true y’know! “ I said and we both started laughing. I can’t even imagine the hundreds of thousands of possibilities of me being together with such a wonderful woman as Mey.

     Christmas was coming up and I wanted to give Mey something special, something unique, something there only was one thing of. Then it struck me, I’ll make a custom uniform for her since she didn’t  like the feminine uniform she was forced to wear. So one night I stayed up to make it. I just took the spare uniform I had from long ago and remade it with some extra bling. Bling being some extra pockets, longer sleeves and a flower ironed to it, a rose to be exact.

     Monday came and school started again, I felt… happy for once, Mey accompanied me  to school and I was so exited because it was ten days til Christmas, which meant a new uniform

for Mey, I was so, so excited for this Christmas in particular. Mey would be so happy to get a uniform she actually would like. or once she would feel… comfortable.

    Several days passed by and it was the day before Christmas. I felt happy that Mey and I were together, especially since my three closest people were dead. Ugh, just writing about it gives me goosebumps. Oh well. We were going to sleepover at each other’s houses between the day before Christmas, Christmas and Boxing day. Finally I could give her the present, I could see her face in front of me, a face of happiness and excitement. I wanted the best for her and didn’t want to let her down. So I made something I was proud of, something made by me. I mean, money doesn’t buy happiness, right!

     When Mey came over she was wearing a dark, muddy green jumpsuit under a blue hoodie. Since she was with me she didn’t feel the need to hide herself or her body shape. She stood there with a straight back and didn’t hunch over as usual, I could already tell she was happy. We watched some anime I had to catch up on, that Mey already had seen. She didn’t care though, she was just happy that I was willing to watch about thirty episodes of anime that day. When we fell asleep she had her head comfortably against my chest, like I was her living pillow. Of course I didn’t mind, I also didn’t want to wake her up.

     When I woke up Mey was making coffee for me and her. I couldn’t believe it, she was really nice to me. It shouldn’t be a surprise to me since I was her boyfriend now but it just felt weird. I said to her that there was a present from me I hadn’t told her about. Now, me and Mey freaking loved christmas, it was so fun to get stuff from close relatives. I showed her the paket the gift was in and she went wild about it. She just couldn’t handle the excitement going around her head. She kept trying to make me say what it was but I kept denying all questions.

     When the time came I allowed her to open the christmas gift, I couldn’t tell what was going on in her head but afterwards I knew exactly what she thought…

“ No, did you actually… Oh my god, I love it! “ was the exact words she said, she went nuts about the details and how much care and attention went into it.

“ I have talked to the principal, you’re allowed to have it in school. “ I said and her face lit up with more hope than the sun on a sunday.

     The days passed and school was starting again, obviously, I didn’t feel the best since my dad was a big part of the school and every time I saw the principal’s office I felt a chill down my spine. I had chemistry and wanted to get there early so that I was prepared, but the lesson went differently than planned. Instead of doing the experiments we were supposed to do, we had a talk about death and what it is to us. The classroom was already super hot from the air ventilation not working, so we opened a window for fresh air instead. I already knew this was because my dad died and that he was the principal. All the time I had goosebumps and wanted to faint, but obviously I never get what I want. So I had to sit through a conversation about death while I knew it was because of my family. Then, as if it couldn’t get an worse, someone brings up my dad, Mr. Cole. That was when I slowly could start hearing a ringing in my head that became louder and louder, to the point that it was hurting my head. I started panicking.

     “ You okay dude? “ Mey said, but it was in one ear out the other.

“ Hey dude? Hey?! “ she kept going, louder and louder. I felt a sense of rage flowing throughout my whole body. That feeling that makes you want to punch a child in the face. I wished it was some other feeling like sadness or disgust, but the pain caught fire, a fire that fueled my rage. Mey came closer to me and she wanted to see my eyes, that way she would be able to check if I was okay or not. I proceeded to push her away with all my strength, to the point of her tumbling back and hitting her hand weirdly on the ground, injuring it in the process. I just couldn’t think straight, so many things was circling my head and everything else became a blur to me.

     When I finally could see again I felt another emotion, I felt sinful to the point of feeling the sins crawling on my back. I slowly walk, or tumble backwards. I just wished I remembered that the window behind me was fully open.

    I could see the sky, growing smaller on me. It was then I realized that I was falling out the building. Then I felt a hard, almost piercing feeling, pointing against my back. Then everything turned dark and cold.

Text: Morgan Simonsson Björk, 7D